Today was another crazy day. I have decided I need to teach the patients some common phone etiquette—Really!

1. When leaving a message that you expect a reply to–leave your name and phone number. Do not rely on voice identification for us to determine who you might be. Or our psychic abilities to retrieve your phone number are really quite limited.
2. When leaving a message speak into the phone. (here’s a tip–the receiver at the bottom gets the message to us–flailing your head from side to side while you are doing God knows what–allowing us to catch only every 4th word- —which we are now forced to piece together like some cryptic message—-not working out so great!
3. When we are calling you —Don’t answer whispering that you can’t talk because you are “in a meeting.”  Don’t answer whispering you can’t talk because you are” about to start surgery.” (note to self: ask your doctor where his cell phone is prior to surgery!)  Don’t answer the phone in the bathroom. (TMI)Also do not under any circumstances call us while we are leaving a detailed message that you haven’t even listened to saying, “did someone just call me?”
4. Do not have a voice mail that is not set up–what is that about?
5. Do not have a mailbox that is continually full–who has that many important messages to keep?
6. When we are calling, don’t act like you’ve never heard of us. You were the one that asked us to give you a reminder call—-remember?  And when you are questioned as to why you haven’t returned the 24 phone messages we’ve left (pleading for a return call) Don’t tell us “you knew we weren’t open when you got home so you didn’t call back.”  It’s 2011——who doesn’t have an voice mail?
7. If you are going to ignore our phone calls and still have the nerve not to show up for your appointment–the least you could do is come up with a great excuse—leave us a message–get inventive—- an exotic disease—maybe locusts—Is that too much to ask?–But don’t just not show up.
8. When you call for an appointment, don’t say “I need to schedule an appointment.” Don’t make us drag the rest of the information  out of you, be a grown up–state your name and what you want to schedule for —we are not the Psychic Friends Network.
9. A common misconception–leaving your first name like “Mary” (when 90% of our female patients are named Mary) will not narrow down the search. Guess what? We still don’t know who you are.
10. If you are calling to make an appointment, why can’t the patient speak directly to us, why is it necessary to use a representative that screams the  responses back and forth over the blaring of the TV.
11. Don’t call asking “What kind of insurance do you take?” While we’re wondering what kind have you got? (please don’t be Delta!) The usual response is “I don’t know.”  Let me see –I will check my insurance crystal ball and see if I can match you up. Do you have an awesome job with great benefits, or a crappy job with crappy benefits?
12. Don’t call when you’re late and say “you’re right down the street” Who are you kidding–you just left the house! Or “I’m 5 minutes away” which translates into about 20 minutes. Yes, we should be able to do a great job in half the time!

Please feel free to share your stories and advice.

From the Diary of a crazed dental receptionist—no judgement here!